Sacrifice
by MurielLeeJones
Summary: Hotch and Reid and trying to add to their family, Spencer is pregnant and things go wrong. Warnings: slash, m-preg, mentions of abortion, castration. This is warped, and sick, and cross posted on my dA account... I'm trying to consolidate everything here-except the stuff I wish I hadn't written. Oh, disclaimer-do not own, do not make money, do not intend copyright infringemen.
1. Chapter 1

I do not own criminal minds—Mark Gordon, CBS and ABC do. I do not intend to infringe copyright. I make not money from this story.

Please please comments? This is another one of those stories that I am (still) desperately unsure of. Also, I think I should let MGG know that I intend him no harm, but boy, does it suck to be Spencer Reid.

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Supervisory Special Agent Aaron Hotchner found himself sitting in the obstetrician's office, holding tight onto the thigh of his lover seated next to him, listening to details, choices, facts and numbers presented by the obstetrician, the urologist, the endocrinologist, the anesthesiologist and the surgeon. There didn't seem to be many choices. The obstetrician had always been clear that their pregnancy was high risk, that Spencer's life could be endangered, and that they could lose the baby. Aaron had tried not to worry.

Not until Spencer was late getting back to work after a routine checkup did Aaron become truly worried. When he received a call from the doctor's office two hours later Aaron was frantic with worry. The baby was at risk, and if the baby died Spencer, oh god, Spencer would too. This wasn't meant to happening. Aaron and Spencer had taken this decision so carefully. It had initially been a shock to find out Spencer was pregnant. Spencer was deeply shaken, and they had frankly discussed termination as an option. Both Aaron and Spencer however, wanted this baby, this was a miracle, if you asked Aaron, and a statistical unliklyhood if you asked Spencer. Now Spencer was sitting in the pink and blue offices, making horrible decisions.

"Our baby is dying." Spencer blurted out.—atypically uncontrolled. "My hormones aren't adjusting with her development. My body is producing too much testosterone to restore the balance that my male genetic code belies is necessary. She won't survive in this environment." Spencer waves his hands around as he spoke.

One of the doctors broke in, Aaron couldn't be bothered to find out who. "This problem is usually encountered in the first trimester. Our best solution is to terminate the pregnancy. Hormone treatment is an option in the first two months, but we are well past that window."

Spencer's voice interrupted, explaining hormones, and the changes and unique problems of male pregnancy.

"When can you perform the procedure?" asked Aaron, his chin with just the slightest quiver. This was going to be hard, exceptionally hard for Spencer. Spencer had considered this all so carefully, it just wasn't meant to actually happen."

"Given the circumstances," a doctor who's name Aaron had forgotten spoke up, "we would like to terminate the pregnancy tomorrow morning at latest. We can give yourself and Dr. Reid the names of …"

The doctor never got to finish what she was saying.

"She's not a pregnancy, she's our daughter." Spencer insisted quietly.

Aaron's pursed his lips together, he couldn't look at Spencer. He and Spencer had decided on termination as their last resort, but Spencer had agreed that he wouldn't put his life in any further danger.

"Spencer, she's not yet four months, she can't feel yet, she's not alive in any real sense of the word." But Aaron knew he had given himself away, Spencer would notice the pronoun.

"I can feel her moving, she reacts to music, she has a heartbeat Aaron, she wasn't alive, but now she is."

"Spencer," Aaron was on dangerous ground, "you are in love with a dream, an idea of a baby."

"You think I don't know that?" Snarled Spencer, "But I can feel her moving." Spencer folded in on himself.

Aaron hadn't seen Spencer this closed off in years. He tightened his grip on Spencer's knee. Spencer tried to pull away.

"Spencer we agreed to this, that we wouldn't endanger you, please Spencer, you will die without this." Aaron pinched the bridge of his nose, mostly to hide the tears forming in his eyes. "We have no real choice."

Spencer looked up straight at Aaron. "There is a choice."

Every doctor in the room held it's breath.

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"My hormones are creating an antagonistic environment for her, I can't take hormone shots because my testes simply produce more testosterone, my body would have to be flooded with hormones, and that in itself would kill her. We, I, could, castration is a simple solution to managing my hormones." Aaron's mouth went dry. This was something they hadn't discussed; termination in the first trimester was what they had discussed. Spencer was willing to risk his life for this baby; of course he would be willing to be mutilated for his daughter. Aaron covered his mouth with his hand; he was going to throw up.

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"Dr. Reid," the obstetrician's voice was calming, "you do understand that this pregnancy may spontaneously terminate, no matter…"

"Of course I do." Snapped Spencer. Now he looked terrified.

Aaron pulled himself together, and guided Spencer onto his lap. Spencer didn't cry anymore easily than Aaron, right now he was on the edge. Aaron wanted to protect him. "Mutilated." Was the word that repeated over and over in Aaron's mind.

The endocrinologist seemed to have a less rosy view of the outcome than Spencer, and put together with the view of the obstetrician, the outlook remained bleak; with possibility of Spencer on bed rest and under close observation for months, and the baby would, certainly be born early.

The surgeon started to explain what would happen, a cut in the scrotal sac, vas deference tied off, ligaments cut, and individual testes removed from the scrotum. Given the delicate state of the pregnancy and Spencer's history of addiction, they believed that the surgery could be done under local anesthesia only. Spencer could come into the surgery center in the morning; the surgeon could perform the procedure at 2pm, he would need to stay in the hospital for two days following to track his hormones and the baby's health given that everything went well.

Spencer was completely silent. Aaron rocked him. "Are you sure baby? Really sure?"

Spencer nodded and whispered "If it can help her."

"Thank you baby." Murmered Aaron in Spencer's ear.


	2. Chapter 2

Cross posted from my dA account.

Hotch/Reid slash. Fan-fic

WARNINGS: I really mean these. M/M slash. M-prg; abortion; castration. Seriously warped.

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"Dr. Reid, are you sure you want to do this."

Spencer looked genuinely puzzled. "Want" wasn't exactly the word he would have chosen.

"Yes." His voice squeaked.

Spencer Reid was one of the strongest; strike that, the strongest, person Aaron Hotchner knew. All Aaron could do for Spencer right now was pretend his heart wasn't breaking.

"You understand there might be complications."

"Yes." replied Spencer, again, his voice still unsteady. Then he proceeded to list everything from allergic reactions to the local anesthesia, to hernias related to the orchiectomy itself, to psychological, and even psychiatric effects, which he was reasonably sure he would to some extent suffer from, to bleeding out.

Aaron refrained from stopping him. He stood beside Spencer in the prep room. If the doctor had to tell him again that they might lose their baby Aaron thought he might hit the man, whichever one it was. Aaron found himself wishing that Spencer had a gun to his head, at least that way he could talk himself to safety, or Aaron could shoot someone—which sounded like a plan just right now. Spencer didn't show fear easily, but he was looking to Aaron for reassurance. "I'll make sure they do everything they can for her."

"Even if…"

Aaron turned away. He couldn't think that. Someone sometime had told he what would happen if Spencer went into shock, or if the baby died during surgery, or if Spencer started to bleed. How could Spencer want the baby saved first? Aaron didn't think that was a possibility at this stage, but he was confused, and he wasn't about to tell anyone. Aaron clenched his fists; he wasn't sure with whom to be angry. He would give Spencer anything that was in his power to give. Aaron looked at Spencer, his face softened; Haley had loved Jack this way, why wouldn't Spencer love their daughter this way. What he meant to say was, "I love you Spencer."

Spencer looked up at Aaron with his honey eyes, all the honesty and innocence in the world still there. "I love you."

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The worst thing, thought Aaron to himself, is that I want him like that. Aaron thought about the angular planes of Spencers body, his jaw lined with stubble, a flush of hair on his chest and a thin line from his hole to his half hard member. Aaron covered his eyes with his hand, pinching his temples together as the nurse escorted him out. How could he want something like that?

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Please please comments?


	3. Chapter 3

So the warnings that have gone before: m-preg and castration, and this chapter is kinda smutty, but in a sad way, and triggery in a way that doesn't make sense to me, but it reads that way. So just read with caution I guess. Thank you everyone for follows and comments and reading, and making writing such a rewarding experience.

Aaron watched Spencer watching himself in the mirror. He felt like he was spying. He was spying. Spencer ran a hand over his slowly rounding belly; his eyes looked amused as he surveyed the curve in his body. His other hand reached up and cupped a small breast, a bemused look crossed Spencer's face. He pulled his underwear on with a wince, and looked quickly away from the mirror. He caught sight of Aaron out of the corner of his eye. Aaron knew he was caught, Spencer continued dressing.

"Hermaphrodite" was a word that had only been said once, by the first obstetrician. Aaron and Spencer never saw that doctor again.

Aaron smiled as he turned away. He remembered he feel of Spence, pregnant, just beginning to show and hard against his thigh. The first few weeks when he had still been able to take Spencer. Aaron wanted Spencer. He wanted to reach a hand down and find out. His breath caught for a movement. What he did know is that he wanted Spencer just like this. Just exactly like this.

Spencer pushed past him and into the hallway. "I'll see you at the office."

Aaron knew that Spencer had looked. Smooth skin, with a curved scar. Aaron's hand travelled down Spencer's belly, traced the line under the baby bump, and touched against Spencer's soft member. Spencer reached down and pulled Aaron's hand up to his mouth and kissed Aaron's fingers. "Not right now Aaron."

"I love you, Spencer." And he did.

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Aaron watched a frustrated Spencer getting dressed in the morning. His pants fit, cinched tight under his baby bump. Spencer's shirts however were beginning to tighten around his belly, and to show the outlines of his nipples. Aaron smiled. Spencer had always been "such a guy" about his clothes, simply wearing what was practical. Suddenly it struck Aaron that there were no practical pregnancy clothes for men. Spencer bit his lip in frustration. This wasn't something he could think through. Spencer swallowed. "I think I might stay home today."

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Aaron held Spencer's hand over a candlelit dinner, no wine. They were staying home, but through Rossi, had the most marvelous Italian delivered. Aaron had wanted to ask Spencer. Aaron didn't understand. He couldn't really ask because he didn't understand.

"Aaron, I am, was an hermaphrodite."

Because Aaron Hotchner didn't blink, he didn't.

"You're my lover Spencer. I love you just like you are. To me you are a man, the only man I've ever been with, that is who you are to me, no matter how you appear to," Aaron trailed off.

Spencer had wordlessly walked from the table.

Aaron banged his fist against their bedroom door, "I love you dammit Spencer."

Spencer was quiet.

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"I'm not going to the movies." Spencer refused to leave the house with Jack and Aaron.

"What's it this time?" Aaron demanded, suddenly tired and un-empathetic.

"I don't know which bathroom to use." voice barely a whisper, eyes looking confused and so childlike at Aaron.

"Spencer." Aaron paused, he didn't know what to say.

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"How can you? How can you want me like this?" Spencer looked fierce as he backed Aaron across the bedroom. "Do you know what? I can't, because I don't, because I can't. I did it for her Aaron, and now I can't, I can't," Spencer pursed his lips as he looked for the right word. "I didn't expect to feel like this."

Aaron raised his hand to touch the soft down on Spencer's face. "It might come back."

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Aaron didn't intend to want Spencer this way, he wanted to want Spencer, he wanted Spencer, but he shouldn't want his Spencer like this. Aaron lay behind Spencer, holding a dozing Spencer to him. Aaron slid a hand between Spencer's legs from behind, touching him. A jolt in Aaron's groin forced a groan from his lips. He stroked the sensitive skin, pushing his tongue against his lips as he let out a low moan, imagining his cock pushed rubbing against Spencer, up against the base of Spencer's penis, pushing past Spencer's ass-crack, rubbing against Spencer's lean thighs. Spencer pushed his ass back and rubbed on Aaron's hand. Spencer whimpered. Aaron held his breath for a minute then looked over Spencer's shoulder to see pure ecstasy written on his face. "Oh god, Aaron, I wish you could take me, oh god, please."

Aaron lubricated a thumb and slid it up Spencer's ass. He took two fingers, lubed them up and rubbed either side of the base of his lovers's cock. Spencer gasped. His breathing changed. "I love you Spence," Aaron coaxed his lover on. "I love you."

Spencer panted, chasing his breath. "please Aaron, please."

Then Spencer stared to cry, and Aaron released his grip on his lover, and turned his lover to face him, and held his lover in his arms. "Thank you Spencer." Aaron repeated over and over.

As Spencer settled he lead Aaron's hand down to where baby Emily rested in his belly, "That's best for now."

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"You're staying home again?" Aaron snapped at Spencer.

"How are you going to explain me? This is dr. Reid the pregnant former hermaphrodite without balls? This is Spencer my eunuch lover? This is Spencer,"

Aaron phone rang again. "It's JJ again, I need to go."

"No you don't Aaron, its at least half an hour to wheels up."

"Don't Spencer."

"This what you did to Haley isn't it? Only she didn't know,"

"Spencer, don't you dare, she was my wife and I loved her."

"What am I to you Aaron? The mother of your child?"

"Dammit Spencer, I need to go. I love you."


	4. Chapter 4

Aaron sat in the chair beside Emily's cradle, her little head resting on the burp towel on his shoulder. She was four months old, and had been home for 10 weeks. He rocked his little girl, holding her head, watching her little mouth laying slightly open, and her little eyes most way closed. Aaron smiled to himself, then winced. Four months since her disastrous birth.

They had spent the last two months of their pregnancy decorating a nursery, Spencer working from home, Aaron being as supportive as he could. He would give anything for Spencer. Aaron didn't think Spencer knew even the beginning of how much Aaron Hotchner loved him. He tried to tell Spencer, this was just really where Aaron did fall short, and Spencer forgave him. Aaron paused, he Aaron Hotchner was loved for who he was.

Spencer had been close to seven months. He and Aaron had taken what was really no longer a decision, and were preparing to move Spencer into the hospital for what were expected to be the last dangerous weeks of their pregnancy. Spencer was resting a hand against his belly, enjoying Emily's every movement. Aaron had spent at least half an hour earlier in the day listening to Emily's heartbeat, resting his head on Spencer's filled out stomach. Big brother Jack was off at Jessica's—at least some luck. He had kissed Spencer good bye before he left.

Then little Emily moved just the wrong way. All that stood between her and Spencer's organs was her amniotic sac—one wrong move and Spencer would bleed out. If he bled out he could die, and take little Emily with him. Spencer had doubled over in pain, clutching his hands over Emily. He whispered something, which if Aaron hadn't known was "save her", he wouldn't have been able to make out.

Spencer's face crumpled in pain. "Please?"

He needed an ambulance, now, not five minutes from now. Now. Spencer was bleeding. The ambulance was there in five minutes. Aaron could barely say what he needed to, "Save the baby, that's what he wants."

The paramedics hadn't responded, they kept on at what they were doing. "Save her!" yelled Aaron, "That's what he wanted, now save her!"

Their obstetrician wasn't at the hospital as they arrived and sent Spencer straight into surgery. Aaron still clinging to his hand as the nurse pulled him away. "Please." Aaron Hotchner wasn't a man who begged, but he was a man who prayed, and now he prayed.

Aaron knew, before the nurse said anything, before the nurse even came out. He knew that Emily was going to be alright. But Spencer had passed. Passed? Passed what? Crossed over what? Gone? That's what his Spencer was, gone.

Aaron rocked their daughter gently rubbing patterns on her back. He kissed little Emily on the head. "The last thing your Daddy Spencer said was "Save her."".

At least, that's what Aaron really hoped Spencer had said.

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Si fini. Thank you lovely readers for the faves and follows, and reviews, and most of all for reading—I appreciate everyone on of you. Specially thanks for reviews—feedback makes writing not just easier but more fun. M


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